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Autobiography in Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost — I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall in — it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is MY fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

5) I walk down a different street.

I have to try a different street

the revolution between her thighs

She will be the one
To burn your clothes on the lawn
Waging a war against the cotton.
Waiting for you to call her
A psycho bitch.
Hoping its her turn
To show you pain.

As a phoenix
She burns to emerge,
And you ignite her.
Dragging her like bricks
Sewn to the hem of your pants,
Practically kissing your feet,
Licking your sole
While you step on hers.

Dignity as insignificant
As a cough.

Priorities swimming freely
But within a school of fish.

Morality gauged by the profit
Of your piece of meat.

Pit bull period leashes
Tied around the neck
Of her independence.

You set her aflame,
Masking danger as love.
As she keys your car with guilt,
Spray painting
On your arrogance.

You continue to see her
As washed out.
Expecting her flat out
On her back,
About to be the reason
You fight wars in the first place.

The gasoline to fuel your ego.
The catalyst of terror
Penetrating her body.
Her sex stolen as your 21st century
Nuclear bomb.

Selling her soul
As a house maid
One to behave
To be seen and not heard.
Exploited but not loved.

One that can speak 6
Different languages,
But No is not apart of them.

You are the reason
She says sorry
When someone steps on her feet;
When some man breaks in her face
and she doesn’t leave.

and still
she is a woman
with her hands on her hips
defending what is deserved
daring to give
what is deserved

a woman that
wins your bread
raises your children
and has the power to fix the world
that you have created for her

the revolution will not be televised

"The Greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

What I see happening in this country break my heart. I know we deserve better than these voices. These voices claiming they can save us. Claiming they know what is best for our country when they know nothing of what goes on in our lives, know nothing about what is important to us and what we stand for.

I have become completely disillusioned with every aspect of the system. The hypocrisy that people cling to as truth, baffles me, and the lies that pass as truth disgusts me. When will the day come when people factor reason into their opinions? When they take into account the possibility that the bullshit they are fed might come from a bias source, let alone direct propaganda.

It is such a daunting feeling to think that everything I fight for is directly opposed by a force backed by money, misogynistic white supremacy, and worst of all, ignorance in the form of "God's will"

Lets see what happens when an unstoppable force meets an inmovable object.

That ought to spark some debate...


sleeping is for the weak

I feel like Im going crazy, literally insane. Its like flashbacks of a year ago. I think too much, about every little thing. I am the constant philosopher. a day ago my thoughts were purely existential, now I analyze every aspect and decision of my life. I fluctuate between feeling old and tied down to young and reckless. I know I am young, so why do I feel like my opportunities to be young are flying by?

Im taking a feminism class right now and it has made me seriously think about what it means to be a women. I love the causes and I honestly wonder how a women can not be a feminist but some of the issues are really hitting home for me right now. I have always done all I can to be a strong woman and take care of myself, but the very idea of getting help from a man (especially my bf) makes me feel weak. most of my class is lesbians, so even being with a man makes me less of a feminist (ridiculous I know). If I was born a female I was born a feminist, whether or not I like men or women (or both) in the bedroom.

speaking of..

Santa Cruz seems to be infested with beautiful people right now. Every where I go I feel like I am in lust with a beautiful man or woman. Its either the lack of sex that is getting to my brain or the sheer eye candy that has made me perpetually turned on for the last week. Im wearing out my vibes batteries.

oh and thank god drugs are expensive and I am broke.

Ill leave you on that note...


After four years with the same reliable, tough as nails, and pathetically old school cell phone, the day has come that I have to put it to rest, and now I place my trust in one of the many cheap communication clones they call phones today.

The hardest part about change isn't the new, it's letting go of the old that came with the comfort of the familiar. More specifically, my text messages. Now I feel almost pathetic being upset about stupid text messages being deleted, but how can I possible not miss things like..

"I miss you Remy, I cant get you off of my mind. I love you more than you could ever know, I hope you have a fun night tonight sweetheart, muah my love."

I kills me to have to erase things like that. It is as if a love letter was suddenly lost.

Now I know I havnt really talked much about the love in my life, but let me tell you, its there and its amazing. I am so In love with my baby, he is truly my other half, my best friend and means everything to me. More than anything he has been there for me. I am scared to death of commitment and he has been there and waited for me whenever I needed space, and held on every time I pushed him away.

When I said I wanted to see other people last January, and just be with myself, he was so patcient and let me do my own thing.

Six months ago the when I pushed him away, telling myself, "I just need to start fresh, I need to explore and be single."

The hardest part was erasing my text messages from him. Erasing the "I love you"s and the "you are the only one for me"s not knowing if they would ever come back again. But taking the step to be not only physically but mentally single was essential for me to accomplish any other possibilities.

It was a huge risk, and Im glad I got all of the loveless dating out of my system, more than anything I am glad I took the time to be single.

Still, sitting there on my bed erasing every one of the fifty some text messages from him, the messages that were so filled with love, passion and complete devotion, tore me apart. For the first time during the whole overwhelming and emotionally exhausting break-up I cried out loud, big loud, nose running, gut wrenching, sobs.

A half a year later, and having realized, I already have what I am looking for right in front of my face, I am with my Baby again, and Halloween will be the two year mark for our on-again, off-again, on-even when were off-again relationship. Even in the rocky times of the past two years, I have never stopped loving my baby.

So now being in the situation where I love those constant reminders, and look to them for comfort when I am away and miss my baby, I cant keep them.

or can I.....?

Dec. 15th 7:41 am
"I want to wake up next to you."

Dec 17th 1:11 am
Remy, I am certain you are the love of my life. I care about you more than anything. I will always be there for you my love. You light up my heart. Good night."

Dec 17th 1:12 am
"Muah Sweetheart"

Dec 20th 10:48 pm
"I want to make love to you slowly. i want you in every way you want me. And then I want you some more. I want you all night and forever remy."

Dec 20th 10:57 pm
"I want to look you in the eye and show you how much I love you. You mean everything to me."

Dec 23th 11:06 pm
"I miss you my love."

Dec 24th 1:09 am
"I cant wait to see you baby."

Dec 24th 1:13 am
"Muah baby"

Dec 25th 10:10 am
"Good Morning Sweetheart"

Dec 26th 11:06 pm
"I you want to talk when you get a bit I am dying to hear your voice sexy."

Dec 27th 11:29 pm
"You make me so happy, muah."

Jan 28th 9:36 pm
"I think you're Amazing"

Jan 28th 9:47pm
"Our love is so special and powerful I know you are the one baby, I know it, goodnight love."

March 12th 12:08 am
"I wish I could sleep next to you every night baby, sweet dreams my love."

March 24th 11:41 pm
"I slept in your bed last night baby, I miss you."

May 11th 9:01 pm
"Muah muah muah muah muah all love the place."

June 24th 11:19 pm
"Im always with you baby I can always feel you with me, goodnight lovey

June 30th 4:25 pm
"I love every little thing about you baby dont you know."

July 17th 7:40 pm
"I love you baby, muah"

I need to go home to my baby



Im sitting in a coffee shop as far away from my house as I was willing to drive. 10 miles. Even with gas being so expensive, I am willing to pay to escape my parents house. Im am sitting across from two guys my age speaking in German, I could tell they were talking about me by their glances, but I dont know what there saying. Why anyone would want to come here from half way around the world is besides me.

I cant get last night out of my head. I feel hung over, mentally, not physically. That prick brings up disgusting feelings of every sleazy sexual encounter I have ever had. Every morning I have woken up with regret, and worst of all a feeling of utter shame with myself.

I have come so far from where I was and all this town makes me want to do is shovel shit up my nose.

The two german boys are looking at porn on their computers... now I really wish I could understand what they are saying.

Im moving back to Santa Cruz, I need to go home.


Out of All The Fucking Parties

why do I end up at the one he is at last? God I hate this town. I hate how you can put something in the back of your head for five years and then in one god damned drunkin night it will come out and break you all over again.

I was that fifteen year old naive freshman just looking for love in all the wrong places, and I have my scars because of it. But how the hell could any decent human being see that and think... "this is the perfect girl to take advantage of. This is the perfect girl for me to feed drinks too all night, complement all night, come on to all night, and then when she is too wasted to even stand let alone say no, take her virginity, and leave her passed out in the sand."

You were twenty for god sakes! Twenty years old, getting a fifteen year old drunk and fucking her brains out. Your pathetic, so incredibly low, a sorry excuse for a man... I feel sorry for you, having to get young girls wasted so they wont laugh at you when you cant get it up. You go for virgins so you wont feel embarrassed with how bad you are, they wont know any better.

When I saw you tonight my stomach sank and I felt like I was going to throw up. I got that same feeling all over again of waking up in the sand feeling repulsive, filthy, wanting nothing more then to take a shower and rinse you off of me, out of me.

You didnt even recognize me.

You had the nerve to hit on me.

I could barely control myself from hitting you.

I have grown above what you have taken from me. I have real love in my life, and I know what sex is and what it isnt. I have someone that respects me as a woman and I command respect. Five years later and I am smarter, I am stronger, and I know who I am.... and what are you?

Still trying to get with drunk girls five years younger than you are.

Fuck you and I hope you have a pathetic loveless life,



I am starting to wonder if the idea of home can ever be permanent. When you get to a point in your life where you dont even unpack your boxes when you move in because you know your moving again in three months, it starts to feel unsettling... to say the least.

After finals this year I packed up all of my things and moved home for a little while. Now I say "home" as meaning where my family lives. What it really is down here is an unfamiliar house, with an unfamiliar room.... with well a family that is not used to having an extra body in the house. You know that weird feeling when you see your parents old room from when they were a kid at your grandparents house...well thats kinda what it feels like to stay here. I feel like a guest. And my boxes are staying packed.

You have to search hard to find any sort of free thinker in this town. It is consumed with the latest fashion trend and obsession with pricey cars but has a complete lack of culture, art, community, creativity, and is completely out of touch with the real world. I find my self passing the days, hating the god damned sun for being so hot, and getting stoned with old friends. A nearby hotel has gotten used to me swimming laps in the pool in the middle of the night and oh I got a library card the other day too.

I have become obsessed with it too, I literally spent about 7 hours in the library today reading a book on reincarnation and have started a new book about the pro-choice movement. I swear Im reading more now then I ever did during the school year.

Force me and I will resist... but give me a choice and see what happens.

missing my love in Santa Cruz,

sangria by the jug

my skin is burning red and my fingers prunes from being in the bath too long. I could spend hours in there, even when the water turns slightly warm and merky and im so clean im almost dirty again.

i could finish a whole book in the bath, drinking sangria by the jug. is that pathetic that my favorite place to drink is in the bath, or bringing an ice cold beer in the shower. there is very few things more relaxing then being drunk in the tub.

Monday is my last day of school and summer hides in my future like a brick wall waiting around the corner. Why do I always get anxious before summer. This time last year I had become someone I didnt recognize. Completely helpless in my own life. Summer has a certain magic to it. The heat casts a spell on my emotions, my actions, my inhibitions.

Three months of mystery. What will they hold for me this year...