After four years with the same reliable, tough as nails, and pathetically old school cell phone, the day has come that I have to put it to rest, and now I place my trust in one of the many cheap communication clones they call phones today.
The hardest part about change isn't the new, it's letting go of the old that came with the comfort of the familiar. More specifically, my text messages. Now I feel almost pathetic being upset about stupid text messages being deleted, but how can I possible not miss things like..
"I miss you Remy, I cant get you off of my mind. I love you more than you could ever know, I hope you have a fun night tonight sweetheart, muah my love."
I kills me to have to erase things like that. It is as if a love letter was suddenly lost.
Now I know I havnt really talked much about the love in my life, but let me tell you, its there and its amazing. I am so In love with my baby, he is truly my other half, my best friend and means everything to me. More than anything he has been there for me. I am scared to death of commitment and he has been there and waited for me whenever I needed space, and held on every time I pushed him away.
When I said I wanted to see other people last January, and just be with myself, he was so patcient and let me do my own thing.
Six months ago the when I pushed him away, telling myself, "I just need to start fresh, I need to explore and be single."
The hardest part was erasing my text messages from him. Erasing the "I love you"s and the "you are the only one for me"s not knowing if they would ever come back again. But taking the step to be not only physically but mentally single was essential for me to accomplish any other possibilities.
It was a huge risk, and Im glad I got all of the loveless dating out of my system, more than anything I am glad I took the time to be single.
Still, sitting there on my bed erasing every one of the fifty some text messages from him, the messages that were so filled with love, passion and complete devotion, tore me apart. For the first time during the whole overwhelming and emotionally exhausting break-up I cried out loud, big loud, nose running, gut wrenching, sobs.
A half a year later, and having realized, I already have what I am looking for right in front of my face, I am with my Baby again, and Halloween will be the two year mark for our on-again, off-again, on-even when were off-again relationship. Even in the rocky times of the past two years, I have never stopped loving my baby.
So now being in the situation where I love those constant reminders, and look to them for comfort when I am away and miss my baby, I cant keep them.
or can I.....?
Dec. 15th 7:41 am
"I want to wake up next to you."
Dec 17th 1:11 am
Remy, I am certain you are the love of my life. I care about you more than anything. I will always be there for you my love. You light up my heart. Good night."
Dec 17th 1:12 am
Dec 20th 10:48 pm
"I want to make love to you slowly. i want you in every way you want me. And then I want you some more. I want you all night and forever remy."
Dec 20th 10:57 pm
"I want to look you in the eye and show you how much I love you. You mean everything to me."
Dec 23th 11:06 pm
"I miss you my love."
Dec 24th 1:09 am
"I cant wait to see you baby."
Dec 24th 1:13 am
Dec 25th 10:10 am
"Good Morning Sweetheart"
Dec 26th 11:06 pm
"I you want to talk when you get a bit I am dying to hear your voice sexy."
Dec 27th 11:29 pm
"You make me so happy, muah."
Jan 28th 9:36 pm
"I think you're Amazing"
Jan 28th 9:47pm
"Our love is so special and powerful I know you are the one baby, I know it, goodnight love."
March 12th 12:08 am
"I wish I could sleep next to you every night baby, sweet dreams my love."
March 24th 11:41 pm
"I slept in your bed last night baby, I miss you."
May 11th 9:01 pm
"Muah muah muah muah muah all love the place."
June 24th 11:19 pm
"Im always with you baby I can always feel you with me, goodnight lovey
June 30th 4:25 pm
"I love every little thing about you baby dont you know."
July 17th 7:40 pm
"I love you baby, muah"
I need to go home to my baby